Harpers Bazaar Indonesia June 2021

Rany Moran's Experience Learning to Forgive and Make Peace with Fear

By profession as a life coach, Rany Moran told Bazaar, how to become a winner when you are wrestling with yourself.

Almost every individual feels a struggle within themselves that is not easy for them to solve on their own. It takes courage and consistency that is not limited by time to revolutionize a new way of thinking. There are many decisions that humans make every day, but that doesn't mean every human being understands how to decide things, control themselves, and deal with the things that will happen next.

Since childhood, I learned that destiny is in our own hands. My parents always taught me to be brave to reach my highest goals, believe in my abilities, don't be arrogant, and stop in my comfort zone. Dream big, nothing is impossible , those are some of the lessons they passed on to me. I myself am a person who has a perfectionist nature.

I currently work in mining and property in Australia, and a founder of a children's and family playground, Amazonia, located in Singapore and several countries in Asia. Made me have a lot of experience moving around countries which all required me to be able to manage everything by myself. The experience of moving to Singapore gave me the opportunity to see a specialist. Where I later got a diagnosis that I lack the ability to produce serotonin which causes me to have trouble falling asleep and managing stress. In addition, when I have children, I am moved to stop this negative cycle.

I am well aware that the struggles within us will be reflected in our actions and words to those closest to us. I don't want to project my shortcomings or unfulfilled desires onto my child. Constantly caught between feeling victimized and blaming others is really unproductive and only I can change that.

After that, I moved to Sydney, Australia and read a lot of articles that wrote about the suicide rate among young people and self-destructive behavior due to lack of affection spread at home.

I have an interest in human behavior since I was a child, so I studied counselor & psychological science and studied life coaching at the Life Coaching Academy, which already has accreditation from the International Coaching Federation.

Life coaching itself is a profession where the present and the future, provide strategies so that each of my clients can achieve their goals. However, for the sake of healing the past and future of my clients. I also take counseling studies so that I can always accompany them.

Rany's struggle

My decision may make some people wonder. I had my own struggle , as a result of being educated to always be strong. I feel that humans need to be educated in order to understand the meaning of failure or the sense of being lost that sometimes comes. I myself am a mother and worker, of course the women out there understand how often we stretch ourselves too thin. Which leads us to think about how it feels to be happy and how to keep things in balance. We try to show how fine we are, even if we feel crushed or engulfed by muddled thoughts. In addition, I also feel that life must always conform to social norms, follow society's expectations, continue to want to be liked by people, and avoid negative feelings within in order to be accepted and uniform in the community.

Therefore, arming yourself with peaceful thoughts and the spirit to take responsibility for yourself is very necessary. It is okay to lose ourselves , I learned that I have full control over my own life. By struggling to always learn and not being in a comfort zone all the time, we will grow and then find our identity again.

Of course the whole process is not easy. However, you can overcome it by making peace with the vulnerable inside you. Know that having feelings of sadness, disappointment, loneliness, or hurt is what will help us continue to grow. There are many people when faced with difficult times, they either feel afraid or they avoid feeling sad. In my opinion, that's a sign you just don't have the courage. By constantly avoiding difficult feelings or situations, you can end up having a lot of struggles . You will have problems with self-confidence, self worth, and it is difficult to express love to those closest to them. It's all the result of all the layers of fear that are buried deep inside.

Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness

As a life coach , I convey to the clients I work with that the feeling of vulnerability we face is actually a situation where we become more open. By lowering our ego, prioritizing honesty with ourselves, we will feel comfortable dealing with negative situations and circumstances, and have the ability to humanize ourselves. By being open to fearful feelings, we cultivate a sense of resilience, courage, and embrace our own shortcomings and limitations without letting them control our lives.

I then emphasized, by accepting vulnerable conditions , you can give birth to pure self-confidence. Besides giving myself time to feel negative feelings, I also teach my clients to have a sense of ownership and self-maturity. So that they can admit mistakes and learn to solve all situations on their own. Evidently, I managed to get up after implementing these steps. By understanding my emotional self, increasing self reflection , understanding what tolerance is, all of which activate the sense of taste within me which helps achieve my goals. Of course, physical and psychological needs are mutually sustainable, that's why I also do meditation, prayer, journaling, and light exercise to produce the hormone dopamine.

Forgiveness is the path to freedom

After going through the whole process, each individual's view of their past emotional wounds will change. If I go back to my life experience, I will talk to my childhood self, I will say that there is nothing wrong with this self. I deserve to be loved and feel happy. My parents weren't perfect, but they had their reasons, they had their own struggles. That they can't give something they don't have and know very well, namely the feeling of loving and being loved.

From my experience, you will learn that humility to forgive is a very necessary thing to be able to rise from a negative cycle. I stop remembering the things that hurt me, give me a chance to start a new life and move on. Stop focusing on the things we can't control, think about how we should behave rather than how we should react to difficult situations. Because we are the product of what we think.

Love yourself

Instead of just apologizing, by practicing being humble, I've learned to stop feeling like there's never enough. Previously, I often did self-criticism . Self-critical behavior is too harsh, will only defeat yourself. Scientifically , it actually weakens us even more. We become increasingly feeling like we never have enough, anxious , defensive, and think of everything as competition. Thus preventing individuals from achieving their highest goals.

Strive to practice the Self Compassion, Self Aware, Self Worth, and Self Reflections strategies . Love yourself and always pour kindness and respect for yourself in order to build a strong fortress when faced with difficult problems or failures. By applying such behavior, the optimism within you will be even greater, thereby increasing productivity and performance even though you are in the middle of failure.

Currently, there may be many individuals who still misinterpret what self-criticism is and what self-awareness is . By staying away from self-criticism , does not mean you can stop analyzing or doing self-introspection. It is better to do self awareness, self reflections, self worth , and self compassion , then determine what focus you want to achieve in life. Align the vision and mission of your life with the behavior you are trying to do now. With the self-strategy method, then you can feel safe, purposeful, and wiser. Use all your five senses to always be responsible for every behavior and action you take, so you will find many opportunities that lie before your eyes.

Learn to be responsible

Basically, every decision we make is driven by how much that decision means to us, habits, guilt, fears, and what people think of us. We do not escape to seek justification for the decisions we take from other people. It is influenced by upbringing that conditions us to believe success can be measured by money or a fantastic job. Although it is commonly used as a measure, it does not mean it is true. Ask yourself, what satisfaction are you looking for?

If the answer is money or something else, then make that your goal. Stop thinking about what other people think of you and live a real life. Find meaningful happiness and success. Don't let people tell you what success is, because they don't know what success means to you.

So, stop blaming other people as the easiest option, make our present happiness a top priority. Take control of our lives from those who mishandled our childhood and youth, show them the right way. Let go of right or wrong thinking, just focus on what works for us. If we keep blaming circumstances or others, we only sink into the victim when we can be victorious.